I am blossoming.
No not in a puberty way…
in a mental awakening way.
In an instant—everything changed.
Jk, it took waaay longer than that. It’s taken 38 years in fact. But when I had my second child something clicked. Suddenly this latent passion that was dormant for so long reignited and all I could think about doing was illustration. But how does one accomplish such a dream with no connections, zero real life experience and approaching 40?! It is not a simple question and I’ll tell you the answer sure isn’t straightforward. But this is how I am blossoming.
No not in a puberty way, but maybe sorta in a mental maturity way. A mental awakening if you will.
I have always been drawing, since I can remember. It was never even anything I thought about, it just simply WAS.
But somewhere along the way I got discouraged, disillusioned, distracted. In a college class I took we read and completed The Artist’s Way. Through one of the exercises I remembered when I was very small, maybe 5, being told that wanting to take my time on a coloring project wasn’t “fair” to the rest of the class and I was reprimanded and shamed for wanting to do so. As an adult I recognized that was the first time anyone had been discouraging, even upset, by my passion. I encountered that same feeling over and over as a child, until an art teacher in middle school (a class I was required to take) recognized I had potential. She was so encouraging and positive that I decided the next year, my first year of high school, to take an elective art fundamentals class. And then I ran with it, artist was my identity, and continued to be through a failed move to San Francisco after graduation and until I met a man whose logical pragmatic ways encouraged me to go to college to get a degree. Funny enough I didn’t pursue art at all. Anything but, in fact. English, Anthropology, History, Psychology. Then I randomly decided to take an art class again, the one with The Artist’s Way. And my life changed, I knew I had to pursue art and not get discouraged or distracted again. I completed my degree, got a job in a non-profit art program, became their gallery director….
And then I had kids 🤪
I’ve only been a mom for 5 years and a mom of 2 for one year, but wow the self-neglect that is so tacitly linked to motherhood is REAL. I think in the last year I have flossed 10 times and showered 60 times. I wish I were joking. I also experienced the worst anxiety of my entire life. I was struggling to keep my head above water.
And somehow, somewhere in that year I also felt a tugging, a yearning that I couldn’t ignore. The thought of going back to work triggered instant anxiety and so I set out to find what it was I truly wanted to do. I knew a regular job , while secure financially, just didn’t feel like a long term goal. It was a means to an end and I sought MEANING. I wanted to show my children that pursuing dreams can happen at any age, and prove to myself that it’s never too late. So I started drawing again. It started slowly, carving out time to draw in the margins of my mothering. And sometime around September 2023 things started taking shape. I felt more inspired, more drive, more called to create than I had since college. (It’s no coincidence that my hormones also started to even out at the same time. 😉)
And so, while I had created Little Horse Illustration shortly after my first child was born, it started to become an entirely new thing in 2023. These are the days, the slow beginnings that God delights in, that we take for granted. While these days feel long, and the tunnel still seems dark, I will just continue putting one foot in front of the other, stumbling with purpose that I know little about but that I am convinced will lead me somewhere incredible.
